EASTER BINGE – I’LL HAVE A LARGE ONE!
Hundreds of towns are going to be experiencing swarms of Lager’d individuals spilling out across the streets like a crawling infection of puking and urination!  My kind of night out!  

Well, It was once upon a time. But there were some major differences. Firstly I worked behind a bar and always tried to temper my drunkenness knowing the bar staff were sober. Fighting was for other people, the types that become nasty drunks, we were more likely to laugh than fight and again, the bar work teaches you (sometimes the hard way) how to deal with disputes.   

TUTTO BUONO
So drinking (in large amounts once or twice a week) is in our culture. It may not seem very cultured but it’s as natural for us as a 3 hour lunch and a snooze is to an Italian. Its not better, its just different.  

So how do you tackle the appalling pictures of fights, the Police desperately trying to tackle a drunkard at 2.00AM while passers by jeer at their efforts. What is needed to make people think twice before resisting arrest or believing that they should fight the police before being restrained by another 3 officers.  

COPPERS, LEG IT!
When I was growing up, I had a distrust for the police. If an officer in the street asked me a question, my instinct was to run. I hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong, but only the fool would hang around to find out. Later, I came to realise like any organisation, different people are different and that same rule applies to the police.  

Running Late Drinks in my local, I got used to dealing with the odd police enquiry. It was usually Staff drinks and we kept the till off. There were never any difficult situations and some would poke their head through the door, some wouldn’t. Some would want a drink (end of their shift) some would just be on their way.

The more I got to know the local officers, the more grateful I was for their presence.   The job they perform was not something I would even consider. Risking your person for an ungrateful nation does not fill me with a warm fuzzy glow. 

ARM THE POLICE
No, not with weapons, but with a true deterrent… Charge members of the public for the privilege of resisting arrest and drunken disorderly.  

Currently, if you stagger from a bar, have a bit of a fight, resist arrest, struggle with 4 Police Offers, require a wagon and two additional officers to escort you back to the station for an overnight stay in a cell…. Your Deterrent…. Your Penalty Fine…. Wait For It…. £80.00 (this also includes the time from a magistrate and a court session!).

Call that a penalty, I’ve spent more on a cab ride home.(I was lost, it was late and a very long way home!)

£80.00 - IT’S A JOKE
THIS MUST BE THE BEST VALUE SERVICE KNOWNTO MAN!

Now, lets convert that to a commercial reality where an individual has to actually pay a fee for using each of the above professional Services;   

4 Highly Trained Personal Assistants to escort you safely from the bar.
£80 Per Hour Per Person. Minimum fee of 1 Hour = £360.00 

A Private Vehicle to see you to your accommodation for the night.
£50.00 for the Private Vehicle Hire (that’s cheap for a limo fee!)  
£160.00 for the Driver and one Assistant. 

Overnight accommodation including breakfast.
 £150.00 Per Night

Private Medial Assistance as Requited
£50.00 Per Hour. 

Assuming there is no need for Medical, the Bill comes to a more reasonable £720.00 of Tax Payers Money. Then we add the Court Fee –  

A Judge = Now if you have ever employed a Barrister, you will know that they wont even discuss you case without a £1000.00 retainer on account. These chaps bill big – Now how much for a judge per hour? Lets say £200.00  

A court official to bring the case £100.00

Administration Fee to register your new glossy criminal record £100.00 

Total so far £1,120.00 Not including medical.  

Now that’s what I call an armed deterrent! You want to spill out on to the streets and start trouble... have your cheque book at the ready!  

ROOM SERVICE
Should you wake up in the morning and find yourself in a nice warm cell with the head from hell… you can expect with your breakfast a lovely court fee for the total of the Professional Service utilized. Now, you could just reach for your credit card and should have the facility to simply half the bill for immediate payments. Stage payments should also be available but at a small percent above Base Rate and for the full fee. The principal is to make this as financially painful as possible. Its supposed to be a deterrent, not a social service!  

SMACK EM’ IN THE WALLET
The enormous fee is a lot more likely to have an effect on behaviour than any stealth tax on Alcohol. Millions of people drink happily in pubs and clubs. Tax on alcohol affect the mature drinker as much as the 21 year old and does nothing to change the behaviour. Even another 15% tax on every drink sold will only mean one less Flaming Sambuca at closing time.   


Thinking about the fee, your not going to be quite so ready to order that next Snakebite and Black if you had to fork out £680.00 for last weekends affray!